Health vs. Overcontrol
Home Signs of Overcontrol Health vs. Overcontrol Controlling Styles Statistics Ideas & Help Control Hollywood-style Resources and Links About the Book About the Author Site Map

 

Characteristics of Healthier vs. Controlling Families

Healthier Families

Controlling Families

Nurturing Love
bulletParental love is relatively constant
bulletChildren get affection, attention, and nurturing touch
bulletChildren are told they are wanted and loved
Conditional Love
bulletParental love is given as a reward but withdrawn as punishment
bulletParents feel their children "owe" them
bulletChildren have to "earn" parental love
Respect
bulletChildren are seen and valued for who they are
bulletChildren’s choices are accepted
Disrespect
bulletChildren are treated as parental property
bulletParents use children to satisfy parental needs
Open Communication
bullet Speaking honestly is valued more than speaking a certain way
bulletQuestioning and dissent are allowed
bulletProblems are acknowledged and addressed
Stifled Speech
bullet Children are told things like "Don’t ask why" and "Don’t say no"
bulletQuestioning and dissent are discouraged
bulletProblems are ignored or denied
Emotional Freedom
bulletIt’s okay to feel sadness, fear, anger and joy
bulletFeelings are accepted as natural
Emotional Intolerance
bulletStrong emotions are discouraged or blocked
bulletFeelings are considered dangerous
Encouragement
bulletChildren’s potentials are encouraged
bulletChildren are praised when they succeed and given compassion when they fail
Ridicule
bulletChildren feel on trial
bulletChildren are criticized more than praised
Consistent Parenting
bulletParents set appropriate, consistent limits
bulletParents see their role as guides
bulletParents allow children reasonable control over their own bodies and activities
Dogmatic or Chaotic Parenting
bulletDiscipline is often harsh and inflexible
bulletParents see their role as bosses
bulletParents accord children little privacy
Encouragement of an inner Life
bulletChildren learn compassion for themselves
bulletParents communicate their values but allow children to develop their own values
bulletLearning, humor, growth and play are present
Denial of an Inner Life
bulletChildren lack compassion for themselves
bulletBeing right is more important than learning or being curious
bulletFamily atmosphere feels stilted or chaotic
Social Connections
bulletConnections with others are fostered
bulletParents pass on a broader vision of responsibility to others and to society
Social Dysfunction
bulletFew genuine connections exist with outsiders
bulletChildren are told "Everyone’s out to get you"

Helpful books and resources on this topic

From If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World. Published by HarperCollins Publishers.
Copyright Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World
Published by HarperCollins Publishers

Copyright Dan Neuharth, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.