Health vs. Overcontrol

Characteristics of Healthier vs. Controlling Families

Healthier Families

Controlling Families

Nurturing Love

	Parental love is relatively constant
	Children get affection, attention, and nurturing touch
	Children are told they are wanted and loved

Conditional Love

	Parental love is given as a reward but withdrawn as punishment
	Parents feel their children "owe" them
	Children have to "earn" parental love

Respect

	Children are seen and valued for who they are
	Children’s choices are accepted

Disrespect

	Children are treated as parental property
	Parents use children to satisfy parental needs

Open Communication

	Speaking honestly is valued more than speaking a certain way
	Questioning and dissent are allowed
	Problems are acknowledged and addressed

Stifled Speech

	Children are told things like "Don’t ask why" and "Don’t say no"
	Questioning and dissent are discouraged
	Problems are ignored or denied

Emotional Freedom

	It’s okay to feel sadness, fear, anger and joy
	Feelings are accepted as natural

Emotional Intolerance

	Strong emotions are discouraged or blocked
	Feelings are considered dangerous

Encouragement

	Children’s potentials are encouraged
	Children are praised when they succeed and given compassion when they fail

Ridicule

	Children feel on trial
	Children are criticized more than praised

Consistent Parenting

	Parents set appropriate, consistent limits
	Parents see their role as guides
	Parents allow children reasonable control over their own bodies and activities

Dogmatic or Chaotic Parenting

	Discipline is often harsh and inflexible
	Parents see their role as bosses
	Parents accord children little privacy

Encouragement of an inner Life

	Children learn compassion for themselves
	Parents communicate their values but allow children to develop their own values
	Learning, humor, growth and play are present

Denial of an Inner Life

	Children lack compassion for themselves
	Being right is more important than learning or being curious
	Family atmosphere feels stilted or chaotic

Social Connections

	Connections with others are fostered
	Parents pass on a broader vision of responsibility to others and to society

Social Dysfunction

	Few genuine connections exist with outsiders
	Children are told "Everyone’s out to get you"

Helpful books and resources on this topic

From If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World. Published by HarperCollins Publishers.
Copyright � Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World
Published by HarperCollins Publishers

Copyright � Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. All rights reserved.